Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
