Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
