I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
