Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize