Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
