I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
