I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
