dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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