nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
