chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
