I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
