last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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