you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize