I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
