I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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