I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
