How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
