I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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