If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
