I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
