im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We talked him into tasing himself.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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