My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
