Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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