I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
