I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
