Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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