We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
