Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
