wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
