why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
