he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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