hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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