Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
