How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
