just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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