why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
