i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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