i just had sex bonerless
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
