I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize