So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
