while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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