Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
