Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
