At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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