i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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