she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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