3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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