this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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