Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
