i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
