I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
