I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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