So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
