I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
