i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
