Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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