I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize