Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
