remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
