u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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