You really coming over, don't trick.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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